Week 31: Reed In F.C. [for Clarkson]

Clarkson - not taking Road Safety seriously

Pending the inevitable, a double congratulations is in the offing for our very own celebrity Dr Nick Reed.

That he was the person seen swiping the last steak fillet from the buffet on the set of Top Gear is neither here nor there.  The fact that the absence of this lump of meat led to a fracas that, in turn, has resulted in a vacancy opening up for a TV presenting driving expert is also just happenstance.

Dr Reed's early TV career has so far been limited to early morning appearances on Breakfast TV and is rumoured to be losing interest with reading subsequent facebook messages from friends about how they dropped their spoons in their cornflakes every time his handsome fizzog catches them unawares on the Tellybox.

So, with an innocent eye on slipping into Jeremy Clarkson's still-warm shoes, this would seem the perfect time, then, to up his game and twang the braces of the BBC Bosses.

And Up His Game he has.  Oh yes.

By steering his OFFL team to a score of 15 points and being awarded the Manager of the Week certificate for this week we reckon the execs at the Beeb will have well and truly sat up and noticed.  Controversial Clarkson OUT, Reed IN - Now there's a transfer request that just works.

About the MotW certificate, Dr Reed said he "Couldn't Be Hyppia" and believes it's just the right springboard to further his career.

He didn't say any of that to be fair.  But we enjoyed imaging, briefly, that he had.

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

Being played this week

Irishpool                    v   Malcolmyouplaysobadly
Mike Smears                              Malcolm Pratt

Johnny's Heroes              v      Moobchester United
Sarah Bielby                                  Jon King

Blet Satters Mad Hatters     v      Radnorshire Tigers
Gavin Ward                                Alun Edwards

Not In Your Mum's Forest     v        The Flying Geese
Sarah Bingham                              Mandy Noble



T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.9  3 297
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.4  9 292
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    54.3  3 281
 4 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7  5 272
 5 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8  1 272
 6 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          53.8  4 270
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6  6 261
 8 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  7 259
 9 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.6  4 254
10 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1  9 247

11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 14 235
12 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7  4 227
13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.3  7 227
14 Moobchester United        Jon King         52.1  0 214
15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6 15 212
16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6 11 200
17 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1 11 193
18 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8 10 193
19 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  4 189
20 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6  7 180
21 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8  8 178
22 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  4 158
23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2 -4 106
24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  0  96


                             Week's Average Points      5

                             Total Average Points     221

Week 30: Flagging Morale

A young Mike Smears before his morale started flagging

Manager of the Week this week is Mr Mike Smears of Irishpool loveliness.  21 points saw off the challenges from whipper-snappers Russ Bielby and Sarah Bingbong and saw the old man snaffle a much needed certificate to bolster flagging morale.

And no matter how much we, here at Studmarks, would love to experience our own morale boost to help needlessly stretch out this nonsense it just so happens to be one of those editions where we're just not going to be able to pull it off [again] with enough haste nor wit to make it worth your while.  

And besides some of you have the OFFL Cup to worry about.

Boom.

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

To be played in Week 32

Irishpool                    v   Malcolmyouplaysobadly
Mike Smears                              Malcolm Pratt

Johnny's Heroes              v      Moobchester United
Sarah Bielby                                  Jon King

Blet Satters Mad Hatters     v      Radnorshire Tigers
Gavin Ward                                Alun Edwards

Not In Your Mum's Forest     v        The Flying Geese
Sarah Bingham                              Mandy Noble

An out of date second hand Football Quiz Book is up for grabs.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      54.9 17 294
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.4  8 283
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    54.3 11 278
 4 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8 15 271
 5 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7 21 267
 6 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          53.8  9 266
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 15 255
 8 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 16 252
 9 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.6 14 250
10 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1 10 238

11 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7  7 223
12 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 -1 221
13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.3 14 220
14 Moobchester United        Jon King         52.1 12 214
15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6  4 197
16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6 11 189
17 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  9 185
18 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8 10 183
19 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  5 182
20 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6 12 173
21 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8 15 170
22 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  7 154
23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2  6 110
24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  3  96


                             Week's Average Points     10
                             Total Average Points     215
---

Week 29: Reverse Leapfrog

Sarah Bielby unleapfrogging the Manager of the Week

The tussle for top continues between the Bielby and the Pratt.  "The BRuss" takes over this week thanks to some exquisite transfers last week. "The BRuss", however, knows his tenure could be short-lived as The Prattster has 8 transfers left to improve his team against Bielby's own 2.

RS-TBOY are still in with a shout if luck goes their way, of course.  Let's face it though, it won't.

And talking of transfers, the only Manager with zero transfers remaining for the season is this week's Manager of the Week.  Indeed, Smasher finished splurging his quota a couple of weeks ago but seemed to justify his decision by winning two MotW Certificates on the trot.  Inter Milandrover scored 11 points this week taking themselves into fourth.

Meanwhile in the League, has Neil's Diamonds' 10 points re-ignited the top ten finish hopes of manager McConaghy?  Has Pedro's Plodders lost the will to live?  And as for former Weakest Link winner, Sarah Bielby... imagine a slow motion leapfrog in reverse... that's what your team just did in the table with Inter Milandrover.  Minus 3.  Nice.

TRANSFERS REMAINING TABLE

                                           Wk 29 trans
PosTeam                      Manager        Total left
-----------------------------------------------------
17 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    177  12
22 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     147  12
23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   104  12
24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite  93  12
21 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   155  11
18 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  176  10
11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     222   9
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    275   8
 5 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     256   7
 8 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   236   7
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       240   6
10 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      228   6
15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        193   6
16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      178   6
19 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     173   6
13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     206   5
 9 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    236   4
20 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    161   4
14 Moobchester United        Jon King         202   3
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      277   2
 6 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      246   2
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    267   1
12 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     216   1
 4 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          257   0


And, seeing as you couldn't give a monkey's about that table, how about this one instead?

MANAGER OF THE MONTH FOR FEBRUARY...

Lge                                            Value
PosManager               Team                   (m) Total
---------------------------------------------------------
 4 Smasher               Inter Milandrover     £53.8   46
 3 Rick Beecroft         RS-TBOY               £54.3   44
14 Jon King              Moobchester United    £52.1   36
 1 Russ Bielby           Livercoolio           £55.0   33
10 Mandy Noble           The Flying Geese      £54.1   32
 6 Mike Smears           Irishpool             £53.7   30
 2 Malcolm Pratt         Malcolmyouplaysobadly £54.4   25
19 Edgar Rayner          Didcot Rovers         £54.8   25
 9 Sarah Bingham         Not In Your Mum's Fore£54.7   25
18 Minty Colquhoun       A Bit Temperamintal   £55.0   22
 5 Sarah Bielby          Johnny's Heroes       £54.8   21
16 Chris Walsh           Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil  £54.6   21
15 Nick Reed             Couldn't be Hyppia    £54.6   20
21 Neil McConaghy        Neil's Diamonds       £54.8   20
 7 Gavin Ward            Blet Satters Mad Hatte£54.6   15
11 Rachel Jones          Which Team            £55.0   15
24 Pete Braithwaite      Pedro's Plodders      £46.7   13
23 Adrian Bradley        Awesome Athletic      £50.2   13
17 Alex Blundell         Moanchester Disunited £52.1   12
13 Dave Clayton          Pyeators              £54.3   10
 8 Stanley Wilson        Botley Yellow         £52.6    9
20 Ashley Keeler         It's A Snickers       £54.6    7
12 Alun Edwards          Radnorshire Tigers    £49.7    5
22 Craig McHugh          Real Mcdrid           £54.8    5


And the table that counts...

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0  9 277
 2 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.4  5 275
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    54.3  7 267
 4 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          53.8 11 257
 5 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8 -3 256
 6 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7 10 246
 7 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6  3 240
 8 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.6  4 236
 9 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  4 236
10 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1  9 228

11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  4 222
12 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7  1 216
13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.3  3 206
14 Moobchester United        Jon King         52.1  2 202
15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6  5 193
16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6  6 178
17 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  6 177
18 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  7 176
19 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8  9 173
20 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6 -1 161
21 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8 10 155
22 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  4 147
23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2  4 104
24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  2  93


                             Week's Average Points      5
                             Total Average Points     205

---

Week 28: Welcome Surprise!

Manager of the Week is, appropriately enough, Smasher.  Not the only welcome surprise for Inter Milandrover's manager this week.  The haul of 19 points hoists Inter up three places into fifth in the league - a league that is still headed by Malcolm's Malcolmyouplaysobadly.

That is all for this week.

No reason.

Bit tied up. And that.

Innnit.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.4  4 270
 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0  5 268
 3 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    54.3 17 260
 4 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8  7 259
 5 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          53.8 19 246
 6 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 -2 237
 7 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7  8 236
 8 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.6  3 232
 9 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  9 232
10 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1 13 219
11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  7 218
12 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7  3 215
13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     54.3  1 203
14 Moobchester United        Jon King         52.1  6 200
15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6  6 188
16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6  5 172
17 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  6 171
18 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  9 169
19 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8  8 164
20 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6  3 162
21 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8  4 145
22 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  1 143
23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2  3 100
24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  5  91


                             Week's Average Points      6
                             Total Average Points     200
---

Week 27: It's Got To Be Moob

Repeating last week's Manager of the Week certificate win is Moobchester United's Jon King.  A much moobier 19 points this time round elevating his chesty chumps up no places.  Shame.  Though he is only 18 points off a top ten placing now.  Aspirations, eh?

Right we're off to help the Chairman apply the finishing touches to his second Mini-Me attempt [the first seems to have developed rather a lot of faults].

In the meantime, feast your eyes upon the next round of the...

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

Irishpool                    v   Malcolmyouplaysobadly

Mike Smears                              Malcolm Pratt

Johnny's Heroes              v      Moobchester United

Sarah Bielby                                  Jon King

Blet Satters Mad Hatters     v      Radnorshire Tigers

Gavin Ward                                Alun Edwards

Not In Your Mum's Forest     v        The Flying Geese

Sarah Bingham                              Mandy Noble

Oooh [squeeze knees] exciting!

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.6  9 266

 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0 13 263

 3 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8 11 252

 4 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    54.3 14 243

 5 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6  9 239

 6 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.1  2 229

 7 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7  6 228

 8 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.3 11 227

 9 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7  7 223

10 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7 -2 212

11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0  1 211

12 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1  4 206

13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  4 202

14 Moobchester United        Jon King         52.1 19 194

15 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6  7 182

16 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6  5 167

17 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  0 165

18 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  7 160

19 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6  5 159

20 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8  5 156

21 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  0 142

22 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8  3 141

23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2  1  97

24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  6  86

                             Week's Average Points      6

                             Total Average Points     193

---

Week 26: OFFL Cup Second Round Results

Ken Wood: mostly modest about his Moobs

Manager of the Week this week is the delightfully affable Ken Wood - a current employee of the kitchen appliance giant Jonking.  His Moobchester United scored a necessary 9 points which saw his team of wobble-chested under-achievers safely through to the next round of the ...

OFFL Cup

Second Round Results

Radnorshire Tigers       3  v  0  Moanchester Disunited
Alun Edwards                      Alex Blundell

Couldn't be Hyppia       2  v  6  Johnny's Heroes
Nick Reed                         Sarah Bielby

Blet Satters Mad Hatters 5  v  2  Pyeators
Gavin Ward                        Dave Clayton

Inter Milandrover        5  v  6  The Flying Geese
Smasher                           Mandy Noble

Moobchester United       9  v  5  Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil
Jon King                          Chris Walsh

Irishpool                6  v  6  Livercoolio
Mike Smears                       Russ Bielby

A Bit Temperamintal     -1  v  7  Malcolmyouplaysobadly
Minty Colquhoun                   Malcolm Pratt

Not In Your Mum's Forest 5  v  0  Botley Yellow
Sarah Bingham                     Stanley Wilson

Second placed Livercoolio crash out of the Cup thanks to an inferior Points per Pound ratio - fellow Liverpool fan and cantankerous OAP Everyman, Mike Smears, kicks the one-time title favourite Bielby in the shins before legging it away from the tie loudly singing You'll Never Walk Alone.

Meanwhile, Malcolmyouplaysobadly's Malcolm Pratt cruises past the marvellously marvellous marvel of womanhood Minty Colquhoun as her A Bit Temperamintal scores -1.

Congratulations then to both Sarahs, to Alun, to Gavin, to Mandy, to Jon, to Mike and to Malcolm.

Commiserations to the rest of you failures.

The prize for this year's OFFL Cup winner is Dave Blake's Football Fans Quiz Book.  It's in hardback.  And temporarily out of stock on Amazon.  So there.

Week 25: Never Mind the Pistols

A Slippery Thrashing Fish 

As the dust of last week's Manager of the Week certificate winner bonanza finally settles the dirt cloud clears to show one of those managers still standing, spinning his Smith & Wesson on his hooked forefinger before fumbling it, like a slippery fish thrashing around for its life, back into its holster, dropping it twice.

For Smasher, last week's exploits was not just a feeble flash in the pants, oh no.  He or she is again Manager of the Week after steering Inter Milandrover to an impressive 15 points.  A climb of two places in the league is the real reward.

Meanwhile, Jon King tries to spice up his zero points this week by submitting three, long overdue, transfers helping distract the rest of us away from Gavin Ward's 'interesting' score.

But never mind all that tosh.  It's OFFL Cup time!

[PLAYS INTRO TO MC HAMMER'S "HAMMERTIME" TO FADE]

Playing this week...

OFFL Cup

Second Round

Radnorshire Tigers        v  Moanchester Disunited
Alun Edwards                 Alex Blundell

Couldn't be Hyppia        v  Johnny's Heroes
Nick Reed                    Sarah Bielby

Blet Satters Mad Hatters  v  Pyeators
Gavin Ward                   Dave Clayton

Inter Milandrover         v  The Flying Geese
Smasher                      Mandy Noble

Moobchester United        v  Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil
Jon King                     Chris Walsh

Irishpool                 v  Livercoolio
Mike Smears                  Russ Bielby

A Bit Temperamintal       v  Malcolmyouplaysobadly
Minty Colquhoun              Malcolm Pratt

Not In Your Mum's Forest  v  Botley Yellow
Sarah Bingham                Stanley Wilson

Good luck all.  And, yes, it looks like we do have a Cup prize this year.  A football trivia book, waiting to be sent out to one of you lucky Cup survivors.  More details to follow.

Probably.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Malcolmyouplaysobadly     Malcolm Pratt    54.6  9 250

 2 Livercoolio               Russ Bielby      55.0  3 244

 3 Johnny's Heroes           Sarah Bielby     54.8  4 235

 4 Botley Yellow             Stanley Wilson   52.1  5 227

 5 Blet Satters Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward       54.6 -1 225

 6 RS-TBOY                   Rick Beecroft    52.2  5 223

 7 Irishpool                 Mike Smears      53.7  5 216

 8 Radnorshire Tigers        Alun Edwards     49.7  5 211

 9 Inter Milandrover         Smasher          54.0 15 211

10 Not In Your Mum's Forest  Sarah Bingham    54.7 10 211

11 Which Team                Rachel Jones     55.0 10 207

12 The Flying Geese          Mandy Noble      54.1 10 196

13 Pyeators                  Dave Clayton     55.0  4 196

14 Couldn't be Hyppia        Nick Reed        54.6  6 173

15 Moobchester United        Jon King         51.7  0 166

16 Moanchester Disunited     Alex Blundell    52.1  4 165

17 Obi Wan - Kenobi Nil      Chris Walsh      54.6  9 157

18 It's A Snickers           Ashley Keeler    54.6  3 154

19 A Bit Temperamintal       Minty Colquhoun  55.0  7 154

20 Didcot Rovers             Edgar Rayner     54.8  9 148

21 Real Mcdrid               Craig McHugh     54.8  9 142

22 Neil's Diamonds           Neil McConaghy   54.8  8 135

23 Awesome Athletic          Adrian Bradley   50.2  7  91

24 Pedro's Plodders          Pete Braithwaite 46.7  5  80

                             Week's Average Points      6

                             Total Average Points     184

---